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My grandmother passed away early yesterday. I feel foggy with sadness. Possibly it is also because I slept for twelve hours today and have consumed mostly cookie dough, Diet Coke Lime, and a few hours of TIVOed As the World Turns. I just attempted to adjust the iTunes sound by pausing the TIVO remote. Memories keep catching me off-guard, ending in either laughter or tears. Sometimes both. Periodically I regret that I didn’t get to say goodbye in person and wonder if she knew, really knew enough, how much I loved her. And then I think how she would yell at me for worrying about it. She knew. She was such an amazing, strong, generous person. I am sad to have lost her, but so grateful to have had her as an inspiring presence in my life for 28 years. We were at lunch yesterday with my family–horribly, it was also my dad’s birthday–when my uncle mentioned that some books she ordered had just arrived. Large-print... Read More

This has been such a difficult week. I found out on Tuesday night that my grandmother is being moved to a hospice room. Her kidneys are failing and she is not a candidate for dialysis. She doesn’t want to go through that anyway. So she has weeks, a few months at most. I cried. Then I started planning. That’s what I do when I’m upset: white-knuckle the illusion of control. I rearranged our Thanksgiving plans so we could spend it with my family instead of my in-laws. I planned out how I could get from DC to Gettysburg three out of the next four weekends (the fourth is Steve’s play). I looked into taking a week off at Thanksgiving so I could spend time with her. I sent her roses. I tried to call her on the phone, but she couldn’t hear or talk well, so that was pretty damn futile. Then, choking... Read More